“THESE are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.”
– Thomas Paine, The Crisis (December 23, 1776)
More than a few sunshine soldiers and summer patriots fartsacked on this glorious morning. Only seven PAX rallied to the standard at 5:30 for a patriotic beatdown at the Vortex.
After the requisite warmups (including multiple sets of 13, reminding us of the 13 original colonies), we did ’76 merkins–a bold stroke. Since independence did not come cheaply, we then moved to the playground for five years of war (or five sets of exercises). In one group of three and one of four, we slogged through max pull-ups, 40 cadence-count dips, 40+ cinder block curls, 40 dry docks, and 40 Australian pull-ups.
While we waited for the peace treaty to be hammered out (1781-1783), we did two symbolic minutes of planking. Then, because so many people thought the Revolution turned the world upside down, we did balls-to-the-wall for a minute+. After that, came the hard work of building a nation with a series of imperfect instruments (the *really* imperfect Articles of Confederation and the clunky Constitution, which guaranteed seasons of gridlock and left unsolved key issues such as the status of slavery).
In order to symbolize the hard work and the imperfect instruments, we again broke into groups. PAX took turns doing the broken wheelbarrow c. 30 yards, military press with a cinder block, and thursters with a cinder block. We intended to keep this up until Mary, but enough PAX ran out of gas that we threw in a bear crawl and crawl bear for filler.*
To close, we did 13 cadence-count Freddie Mercuries, 13 cadence-count Johnny Appleseeds, and–to honor the prophetic vision of founders–50 cadence-count flutter kicks. Rather than waste thirty seconds, we threw in 13 slow-count merkins for the finale.
None of it is perfect, but I am grateful for my country and for such an amazing group of guys.
* The bear crawl and crawl bear had little to do with the early national period EXCEPT for the fact that Jefferson compiled in the 1780s an OCD list of animals and their weights to demonstrate to European critics (esp. Comte de Buffon) that American fauna were more robust than those of Europe. From his Notes on the State of Virginia: “Of the animals in the 1st table Mons. de Buffon himself informs us, [XXVII. 130. XXX. 213.] that the beaver, the otter, and shrew mouse, though of the same species, are larger in America than Europe. This should therefore have corrected the generality of his expressions XVIII. 145. and elsewhere, that the animals common to the two countries, are considerably less in America than in Europe, `& cela sans aucune exception.’ He tells us too, [Quadrup. VIII. 334. edit. Paris, 1777] that on examining a bear from America, he remarked no difference, `dans _la forme_ de cet ours d’Amerique compare a celui d’Europe.’ But adds from Bartram’s journal, that an American bear weighed 400 lb. English, equal to 367 lb. French: whereas we find the European bear examined by Mons. D’Aubenton, [XVII. 82.] weighed but 141 lb. French.”
